Restless.....

I have posted a lot of things that are on my mind here, and yet when I tried before I could not make myself write about what I am about to....... I don't know what changed between then and now, but I will not loose this chance. There are all type of things that I have seen, heard, thought of, experienced, and some even felt...... And I have always felt that I was missing something, that I didn't belong here, at first as any person will I pushed that thought aside, tried to get rid of it, by distracting myself in other things, I thought that this feeling will fade away, or may be I will find the reason for me feeling the way I did, so I continued, and the more I allowed myself to get involved in other things the feeling became more pressing, I mean just think about it, not being able be mentally or not being able to feel that you are there? I then decided to tackle the problem head on, I accepted that I am not able to understand what this world around me has to offer, or may be I was looking for something different, so I started to think, and it got me where I am right now, after all these blog posts I am finally able to write the real reason why I started to write this in the first place.....

So I tried understanding what my limits are, at least that is how I decided to understand and solve the problem, if I know what are the limits then i will understand the dimensions of this particular problem a little better, so I learned that there aren't a lot of limitations, there are certain things which I prefer, but I learned that even if they are not happening the way I prefer it doesn't really matter to me any more than day turning into night...... So I searched for moral grounds, things that may really bother me, this time there were somethings which bothered me, but the problem that came after understanding that I do get bothered is to learn that the things which bother me, is something which only bothered me, others seemed quite okay with it...... I tried talking about the things that bothered me with other people but people weren't much of a help..... I mean I had heard people saying that talking with other people helps you in numerous ways, so I thought that may be I was talking with wrong people? Hence I tried all type of people, I tried everyone that I know who may have answer, and even those whom I didn't think would have the answers, still it turned out to be futile....... So following logic, I assumed that since I have tried talking and since it has not worked, it either means that people haven't really thought of these things with the intensity they should have, and may be even they were not capable of understanding these things, and right after this thought I thought, the audacity of my brain!! To actually even say that all these people, who in some cases had better academical knowledge, experience, age, status, chances than I had and yet I dare to think something like this? So obviously I discarded the suggestion immediately, and I came to the second possibility, I was on a wild goose chase, there is a good chance that the things that are bothering me or the reason why I am so puzzled is cause I am over-thinking it, or there is equally a good chance that I am simply a moron who is imagining out of air, without even knowing or understanding what is around me, without opening my eyes or not hearing what is out there............ And that really struck a note........ So I started rectifying, I had to start all over again, cause if there was even a faint chance that I have taken some sort of idiotic step, I will have defeated the purpose of starting to think in the first place...... I simply cannot think whatever I want to, and move on with it, I have to confirm whether what I think is right or not, cause if it isn't then I have to modify,update,change or discard it. So of course I went over everything, carefully putting my personal thoughts aside, and it was one of the hardest things I have done, it's not so easy to be someone else, cause all I have ever been for all these years is me....... So to be someone else is like...... well it's like dying......... And it was well pathetic. I don't see how people can find the happiness following any idea which says that there is eternal something be it anything, eternal peace,eternal happiness, eternal pain etc etc. the idea of eternal anything is nothing short of unending insanity......... Imagine any activity that you like doing over and over again without tiring out, without having an opportunity to do something else or worse not even knowing that there is something other than this that you can do...... For me the idea is so horrible that I am absolutely unsettled..............

I still don't know what I am missing or why do I feel so out of place....... Even after doing all that....... But I know that I am here and hence I have been lucky enough or I have been given a chance or may be even just cause I am here, I have a, let's for the sake of convenience say, break from eternal anything that is, that waits for me. And I am not bored anymore, nor am I not interested anymore, now I understand that me being bored or not being interested meant nothing, it's my break and I can spend it however I want. For the first time I truly feel satisfied, truly feel calm.

Abeyance....

I do not know what it was, but it has utterly and completely baffled me...... I was and still am unsure whether it was a dream a hallucination or intuition...... I have been constantly thinking about it but I simply cannot come up with any satisfying answer....... Your presence stunned me, it was like you cast a spell on me...... And I was simply drifting towards you, not able to reason with myself, not knowing why I felt the way I did, and I still don't....... And this situation is so strange for me, what I felt is not something I can express in words.... I feel lost but it's not the same as I've experienced through the years........ The more I try to explain it to myself, to reason with it, to understand it better the more I feel foolish, even as I am writing this I feel foolish....... It just doesn't make any sense I'm saying the same thing over and over again, but that's exactly how it feels like..... Cause I have no idea at all what that was...... And to make it even more outrageous I just cannot forget it......... I've tried to but I can't, and there are very few things which I am unable to forget........ You being one of them........ You are quite unknown to me, I haven't seen your face before, I know that with some certainty cause I rarely forget a face, I do forget the names, places, locations, and even my connection with the same but I do not forget a face that I have seen once. And since I saw yours I remember it, as if I had always known you....... There was a familiarity, and I have tried all the faces I've seen since I can remember and you were not there..... Yes I am quite sure of that, and yet as soon as I saw you I wanted to see what you were going to do, I wanted to explore(I somehow feel that this is not the proper word to describe what I wanted to do, but I don't have any other option right now) who you are, to understand the connection that I felt........ Funny how I felt a connection as soon as I saw you....... Makes absolutely no sense but there it was and I was not myself, I followed you......... Not being able to control my own body, not being able to grasp any thought of what I was doing, I was absolutely dumb around you, more than usual that is........... Even the dog that you had on a leash had a mind of it's own but not me, it was like the only thing I was able to do was follow you and even in that I had no option.......... I do understand that I am repeating myself over and over again but I want to make sure that I understand what this felt like and what it was without loosing its potential, so I will be able to understand this more completely in the future.........
             

        After that we went to your place, I do not see why anyone would invite a virtual stranger to their house but that's just how it happened, may be sometime had passed by I am not sure of that, cause I felt the same thing again what I have described above without loosing any of its initial impact, it was morning to afternoon and by the looks of it you had just moved in, to that place there were still things lying about waiting to be kept in their own place, and I knew for some reason which thing will go where and when............ The reason why I have gone into such a detail about this is because, I saw you on the road that I keep walking on in my dreams, almost always I am walking on that road alone having no idea where this road leads to and there is nothing around me, it's just a road stretching infinitely, but I never felt alone........ Again I cannot be sure whether it was a dream or not, there were signs that it might be a dream but the detail that I saw the things that I felt confuse me......... The reason why I am writing all this is because I would like to understand what it was, if it was just a dream then I must say that it was a really vivid and detailed dream...... But on a slim chance that it wasn't a dream, it has all my attention Cause it was something that I have never felt before........

         I plan to pursue it till I can understand it, I will update more about this when I do. I cannot forget this cause, with you in that moment I truly felt alive.........

Reflections....

Human body, a miraculous system which is held together by nearly countless particles as well as something which is in functional state because of all those particles working together so perfectly........ Or for that matter any living for in existence...... A few posts ago I so very naively said that I was disappointed with the way things were in this world.... And it seems that I was not thinking clearly cause I was under the illusion of knowledge something which I very much doubt I have enough of to be boasting such statements........ Although I said all that it did not stop the process, the process which sometimes enables sometimes helps and sometimes forces me to question everything.......... And because of that I'd like to believe that I will think twice in the future before making such thoughtless and ignorant statements......... First of all this place does not exist to amuse me as a being nor does it exists to fulfill anyone's expectations, this place is just...... And it is us who seek meaning,need,reason,logic and such in this place....... All the things which a complex mind may create for it to give some satisfaction to its own ego or pride   or may be simply the drive to put this chaos in some order however bizarre it may seem to someone else....... The process as mentioned earlier just never stops and it is indeed the very reason for all these questions....... And when one thinks about it, one can laugh at their own existence, true that I still have fear of not existing in this world but I believe it is a part of our evolutionary threat assessment system....... But it's just not that easy.......... When one thinks about anything there are two sides to it, on one side all the process of asking questions and understanding the information one has and putting it into some order by which one will be able to make sense of it exists..... While on the other side there must be something, something which I don't entirely know about..... But I have a reason to believe that there must be something which verifies the order that we have come up with and approves or disapproves it for the time being....... As by experience I can say that nothing is ever concrete when it comes to thoughts or for that matter just about anything in this place...... But if that is the case then what is it which verifies the path that you have chosen to go on? What makes this other process superior than our own reasoning? And if there exists such a thing then how is it that we do not have the first preference to use that over the logical reasoning's of our physical brain? Is this the ever so scandalous soul? And if that is so then how is it that millions of years of evolution has not taught us to tap into that resource? What makes it unreachable? Of course I say that cause humans have an uncanny knack to tap into any and all resources they can get their hands on...... And since that is the case how is it that this particular part of essentially every human being remains unscathed? And of course when I say why don't we tap into it I mean why is it that we are not able to use it as easily and as freely as we use our own brain? Our brain is continually working on everything, Our brain is the primary reason we are able to function ever so smoothly...... And yet we are not able to use the other resource which may prove to be a notch more helpful than our logical and reasoning brain........

         Even with all this reasoning and this logical brain I failed to notice that I was an imbecile, an ignorant being in a reverie of having enough knowledge to criticize and judge this place cause it was not according to his expectations........ The sheer stupidity of the very thought of it makes me want to laugh at myself for even having such a thought let alone posting it........

          Although there is one thing that I have not changed my opinion about, this place still does not interest me, I admit that I have the desire to discover more about this place but I certainly can just live and die ignorant if the process which drives me currently, stops for some reason......... It seems to me now that no amount of time can truly accomplish which I had initially set out for....... And since I am an inferior being with no control over the things that happen around me I will be doing something which I was unconsciously doing for all these years...... Now that I think about it, it somehow makes sense to me....... My life until now has been simply a third person's view of different chain of events linked together by various persons,places and means.......... And since I do not seem to be an active part of it, or at the very least that's how it seems to me...... it all appears like a reverie............ Just like when one dreams........ You can never remember the beginning of your dream nor do you remember or understand when your dream ends......... Just like so seem all those events to me......... Nothing more than a reverie.......... Which is why I am compelled to write this blog, so that I can recollect what may have slipped through my mind........ Which in turn I hope explains as to why am I not attracted towards the things which normal people seem to be attracted towards..........

As I side note to myself  I'd like to say, if in future again you think you are getting bored of this place, simply start thinking about the first thing that pops in your head and do not give up until you have all the answers to all of your questions from the inception of the initial question, that should rid the boredom. 

Indifferent.

Every aspect of human life and its wonders I've been always fascinated by all that. Like for example every human makes conscious decisions every second of his life and in time every human learns to do this so easily that no one really notices these things, like choosing what to think in their mind and what to say out loud or something as mundane as using their body. And it's just so amazing sometimes when you think about it, you are able to see a brilliance in every action that happens there is a grace, a rhythm, a certain way for things to happen and no one sees that everyone is busy in their own lives and they just miss out on all this beauty, sure they visit new places which are uninhabited and see places which are habituated but what they are seeing is just places on this planet and not the beauty that is at work behind the scenes all the time which is not even a few inches away from them, it's everywhere just looking out of the window will be enough to see that beauty....But they just don't see it.....No they don't....What they do see instead is all that which is easily accessible to them like what I said above.......

           The second important thing which I would like to address here at this point is the fact that a lot of people are behind material gains or what they desire are material aspects of human life, like I see a lot of people wanting different things in their life, it varies from wanting to be able to eat food thrice a day having a comfortable place to stay and enough clothes to protect them from nature to wanting something which is completely luxurious like a very comfortable car or a expensive trip to somewhere around the world or anything which would attract other people or at the very least their attention to said things or there are some people who want something which is slightly different from this they want to do something for the world like change the course of humanity for good or bad or gain such a fame that generations to come will remember them may it be for good or bad (Of course I am talking about good or bad in general perspective, everyone can put forward opinion very differently based on how they see a thing.) or some people are more interested in simply understanding other people be it two or more people in love with each-other making it a complex love connection or be it understanding those people who live differently than "normal" people and hence are called "Special" people or "abnormal" people ( Another curious thing which I would like to post on at a later time.) or it could be any number of other things which currently slip my mind. what doesn't change in all these examples is the common materialistic factor. That just doesn't go away. All the things mentioned above are of temporary nature. Against the test of time or against the vastness of this universe itself these petty things are nothing yet people do not let such things go easily..... What puzzles me is the affection towards such things, do they not remember that everything along with their own body will cease to exist after a certain time? Or is it just that they don't think about it and simply fall  victim to their ego or pride or greed or jealousy or the simple fact that they own it or they have earned the right to be allowed to keep it? Regardless of the reason behind their desire what doesn't change is the simple fact that they like everyone else before them will fail to remain forever.........

             And then I question myself cause I understand that scrutinizing others is fairly simple as I hardly know any of them and even if I know any of them personally there is a limit to how much a person can know another. But one is always true to oneself and one can never hide anything from oneself for the simple fact (I apologize to anyone who is reading this if I cannot clearly put forward what I am trying to say over here.) that oneself is always living every moment with oneself and can see what he/she sees, can hear what he/she hears, and can remember what he/she remembers, and needless to say knows every thought that has passed even for a second through your brain and remembers that as well even if you don't. Hence it's almost impossible to hide something from oneself........

 So I questioned myself as to why do I want to know all these things? Especially when I understand that everything will cease to exist? What do I seek? Why do I need answers to all these questions which I am posing to myself and others around me? Who am I to judge anyone for what they think is right for them? Why do I care of what happens to anyone who doesn't want to look at what is beyond what we are able to see? Do I want to use this knowledge in order to do something with it? And if so then how am I any different from all those whom I scrutinize? Ultimately I also want to do something with the knowledge that I am so eager to acquire? And if so then my choices of want fall under the same category or sub-categories of what I typed above don't they?

And I am still not able to answer any of these questions. I see no reason whatsoever for me to need to know anything. Does that mean that this is the reason why none of the other people ask questions to themselves which I have been asking for so long? And already have come to the same obstacle that I face right now? Or does it mean that I was simply an imbecile who asked too many questions and forgot which was the right way and which was the way he should not have gone? Or does it mean that I am simply not interested anymore in anything that this world has to offer me, since nothing lasts or is worth having? And if that is the case then why am I still alive?

Which brings me to today right now, I am now in state of indifference towards almost everything there is hardly anything that makes me want to achieve it or try it or feel anything about it or give the impression that I would like to have it. I may sound a bit melodramatic to some people but since I am in state of indifference it hardly matters. So what does it mean? Have I become a machine under human skin? Possibly I do not know  neither do I care about it. What I would like to write here on the other hand is I know not if this is just a temporary phase or a permanent state where I simply adapt to situations without seeing any real change in the current state. While I say this I remember quite well that change is the only permanent thing in this world. But then again it is not the world which is inside me. So possibly that rule doesn't apply to any human.


Clearly there is much that I do not know of but will I want to pursue it knowing that it doesn't matter? And if so then what am I to call it? Cause clearly it will then defy all the logic and the reason that I was able to come up with until now.


In the end I would like to say the following, "What happens in the future remains to be seen, what has happened in the past cannot be changed by any means and we find ourselves questioning the "present" which is rapidly heading towards the future leaving behind it the past which was filled with so many possibilities unexplored."

Circle.

Circle, virtually it seems like just any other shape we have discovered over the years....... But now that I have given more thought to it, I have a reason to believe that there is more to it than meets the eye....... On a perfectly drawn circle it's very hard to find the starting point of that particular circle..... And if anyone is able to easily point out the starting point of any given circle, then it's not a perfectly drawn circle....... But that is not why I am saying all this..... The reason behind saying all of this is, I think I have found another pattern as to how this world works..... And of course this is just what I think there is just no way for me to compare this against something to check if I am even remotely close to the truth or farthermost from the truth..... Anyways, since I am using my own thoughts and knowledge I could be wrong in saying the following.... "Everything changes form and emerges as something new or at the very least as something that particular form was not before it changed it's form." Or to simply put, "Everything changes its form from one form to another." But I was ignorant when I first thought about this. I failed to see that it's not simply changing one form to another and to another and so on..... I am assuming that there can only be limited number of combinations to form creation of any kind. So with that said, I was puzzled as to what will happen when all the forms have been assumed by a set number of particles? Will that form be the final form? Or is there something more to that? And after thinking on it for quite some time I once again was astounded at the ingeniousness of the design of whatever 'this' is....... There is no such thing as final form for any set number of  particles..... all particles can be changed to anything at any point of time(Of course I am saying at any point of time for my own and for our convenience cause not including time will just confuse us...) reason being, the smallest part that we have discovered so far have showed us that it's nothing but a vibrating string and the way it vibrates decides what form will be assumed by that particle or by those set of particles........ And since there are a lot of combinations of how that string vibrates we are able to see so many of the forms on this world and the same exceeds to outside our world........ Furthermore since any and all particles can assume any form at any point of time there is just no end to anything in this world..... The same phases can be extended to infinity..... Let me break that down just in case I forget all this and get confuse as to why I have said all this...... To assume any form for any particle the string vibrates in a particular way and that form slowly starts to take place, furthermore since the string is vibrating energy keeps on getting consumed and being created...... I still am not sure on that part though cause merely saying this based on an assumption that I am making based on my thoughts would be not just arrogant but also wrong..... So for the time being I will leave it at that. Furthermore since one form has been assumed an action has taken place and following Newton's third law of motion a reaction should take place to balance it all so for the sake of this example I will say that the reaction is transformation of energy from one form to the other and I think that this law can go on forever without breaking pattern that is, action=reaction=action and so on....... with that said, that reaction would result in another action and so on..... Which will inevitably give us the creation of different forms as a by-product to the original form or as a by-product of the original form. And since so many actions and reactions are taking place by using the law of energy I think we can say that energy keeps on transforming since creation or destruction of energy is not likely. Which inevitably creates a gigantic circle or a gigantic logo of synchronization...... One thing leads to another and so on and so forth...... I think it's safe to say that there is just no end to this..... I mean since nothing is truly destroyed from this world as I pointed out earlier in my posts the only outcome which remains for the particles which have assumed all the forms is to start from their original form or somewhere in between...... which means that there is just no end to anything in this whatever 'this' is........

Well now that just leaves me speechless......... I take back what I said about being disappointed with this whatever 'this' is..... Cause as now I understand it I was simply not capable enough to see or understand the vastness and the complexion of this design..... I of course am not saying that I understand it all now.... But now I at least know what can be possible....... As always I need to think more on this to understand it better, to understand 'this' more deeply and properly....... 

Question of Instance.

Time travel, the idea of time travel was something I was fascinated with since I was in 5th standard And it just seemed at that time, that some day some one will make a time machine to alter the events of the past or to change events of future. But I was so fascinated by the sheer idea I just did not stop there, I couldn't. As time passed I started reading about 'time' and I attempted a lot of times to wrap my head around the idea of time. But I always felt that there was something that I was missing about time..... I mean it was very weird and seemed quite obsolete at least for me it did. I've spent countless hours thinking about this particular subject just to understand it better. So that I can finally understand the mechanics of time. But it just never happened...... I was always lacking information...... And I asked everyone I could about time... And most of them being my age never took the idea seriously they were in their own world thinking about only they know what.... But I still did not stop I kept on going I was curious about the future, more specifically I was curious about the moment when I finally understand the mechanics of time....... Needless to say that moment has yet to come. But there is something that I have understood about time...And possibly that's all there is to it........ But before I get into that I wanted to say this, there was a time when I was excited about this world all the wonders it has, all the new information which can be obtained through various means, all that knowledge just there for the taking..... It all just seemed to give a hint of a greater purpose, something that you will see when you gain more and more knowledge.... Or to put it in words of a gamer, the more levels you gain the more competent you become in fulfilling the games true purpose..... But now that I have gained some knowledge it has left me speechless... I just don't see any purpose.... May be I don't have enough knowledge yet to understand the actual purpose and possibility of this being the case is quite high, but I am not expecting to find out the real purpose just yet what I was expecting on the other hand was at least some sign that it may exist somewhere beyond my reach.......May be I came to a wrong conclusion after learning what I have learnt till now or may be I have learnt nothing or some other possibility that I am just not able to see like a lot of other things.......

Anyways getting back to the point I was trying to make earlier, I kept on reading about time and I started processing it it was not easy at all, sometimes I was just lost, I used to get stuck in infinite loops of actions and consequences of those actions and more actions cause of those consequences and so on..... Cause I did not understand how to solve that particular problem, and frankly until very recently I was stuck on a number of subjects due to my lack of skill in solving a problem..... So finally when I understood the mechanics on how to tackle a problem I started revisiting the old problems which I was stuck on and slowly they began to unravel and they started showing completely astounding phases........

So this is what it boils down to when we say 'time'. It's just a matter of perception. Time may not exist in this whatever this is, as a element or dimension or substance or anything that you can name. To put it simply if you can name it it's not time. Cause it is something that we humans have invented to keep track of events that occur in their respective lifetimes. Past,present and future are nothing more than a series of events in one's life. That's all there is to. And as soon as this human race becomes extinct so will time cause it never existed to begin with. But it was such a beautiful concept that it took hold of everyone be it in the past be it in the present of be it in the future. Everyone finds time fascinating at one point of their life or another. Then I started wondering why use something as unreliable as time? Why use it on our daily operations? Doing things timely or not doing them timely does it matter at all? And after all this once again I reach to the same impasse I've been stuck on for a long time now...... Does anything matter in this whatever this is....?

I suppose this is what happens when one goes in search of something so vast that it probably may be out of his reach,simply beckoning him to keep on chasing from afar but never actually coming within the grasp of the said person........ But then again I suppose it's better to chase an improbable hypothesis or an unreachable goal than to simply ignore all the things that surround you and continue the possible delusion that possibly is as old as the curiosity itself.....

I still am looking for answers to all these questions but now I understand why it is that people put their faith into something that they call God and keep on believing that there is someone called God who is looking over them through every event in their life be it good or bad. And when he wants to he can change their lives just like that.

I would just like to quote Epicurus,
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.

Is he both able and willing?
then whence cometh evil?

Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?