I have posted a lot of things that are on my mind here, and yet when I tried before I could not make myself write about what I am about to....... I don't know what changed between then and now, but I will not loose this chance. There are all type of things that I have seen, heard, thought of, experienced, and some even felt...... And I have always felt that I was missing something, that I didn't belong here, at first as any person will I pushed that thought aside, tried to get rid of it, by distracting myself in other things, I thought that this feeling will fade away, or may be I will find the reason for me feeling the way I did, so I continued, and the more I allowed myself to get involved in other things the feeling became more pressing, I mean just think about it, not being able be mentally or not being able to feel that you are there? I then decided to tackle the problem head on, I accepted that I am not able to understand what this world around me has to offer, or may be I was looking for something different, so I started to think, and it got me where I am right now, after all these blog posts I am finally able to write the real reason why I started to write this in the first place.....
So I tried understanding what my limits are, at least that is how I decided to understand and solve the problem, if I know what are the limits then i will understand the dimensions of this particular problem a little better, so I learned that there aren't a lot of limitations, there are certain things which I prefer, but I learned that even if they are not happening the way I prefer it doesn't really matter to me any more than day turning into night...... So I searched for moral grounds, things that may really bother me, this time there were somethings which bothered me, but the problem that came after understanding that I do get bothered is to learn that the things which bother me, is something which only bothered me, others seemed quite okay with it...... I tried talking about the things that bothered me with other people but people weren't much of a help..... I mean I had heard people saying that talking with other people helps you in numerous ways, so I thought that may be I was talking with wrong people? Hence I tried all type of people, I tried everyone that I know who may have answer, and even those whom I didn't think would have the answers, still it turned out to be futile....... So following logic, I assumed that since I have tried talking and since it has not worked, it either means that people haven't really thought of these things with the intensity they should have, and may be even they were not capable of understanding these things, and right after this thought I thought, the audacity of my brain!! To actually even say that all these people, who in some cases had better academical knowledge, experience, age, status, chances than I had and yet I dare to think something like this? So obviously I discarded the suggestion immediately, and I came to the second possibility, I was on a wild goose chase, there is a good chance that the things that are bothering me or the reason why I am so puzzled is cause I am over-thinking it, or there is equally a good chance that I am simply a moron who is imagining out of air, without even knowing or understanding what is around me, without opening my eyes or not hearing what is out there............ And that really struck a note........ So I started rectifying, I had to start all over again, cause if there was even a faint chance that I have taken some sort of idiotic step, I will have defeated the purpose of starting to think in the first place...... I simply cannot think whatever I want to, and move on with it, I have to confirm whether what I think is right or not, cause if it isn't then I have to modify,update,change or discard it. So of course I went over everything, carefully putting my personal thoughts aside, and it was one of the hardest things I have done, it's not so easy to be someone else, cause all I have ever been for all these years is me....... So to be someone else is like...... well it's like dying......... And it was well pathetic. I don't see how people can find the happiness following any idea which says that there is eternal something be it anything, eternal peace,eternal happiness, eternal pain etc etc. the idea of eternal anything is nothing short of unending insanity......... Imagine any activity that you like doing over and over again without tiring out, without having an opportunity to do something else or worse not even knowing that there is something other than this that you can do...... For me the idea is so horrible that I am absolutely unsettled..............
I still don't know what I am missing or why do I feel so out of place....... Even after doing all that....... But I know that I am here and hence I have been lucky enough or I have been given a chance or may be even just cause I am here, I have a, let's for the sake of convenience say, break from eternal anything that is, that waits for me. And I am not bored anymore, nor am I not interested anymore, now I understand that me being bored or not being interested meant nothing, it's my break and I can spend it however I want. For the first time I truly feel satisfied, truly feel calm.
